She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
