omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
