how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
