Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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