dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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