Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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