I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
