If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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