are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
