I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Randomize
