Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
