Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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