sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize