She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
