My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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