I just saw a hot homeless man
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
