We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
