i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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