I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
