It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
