Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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