I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
