So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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