she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
When are your genitals available?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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