Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
