just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
