I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
