yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
