i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
