my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
