How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize