Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
