I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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