Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
