You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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