I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize