I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I have feelings that need drinking.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
