Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
NoShamevember. You game?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize