is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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