You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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