Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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