I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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