I just saw a hot homeless man
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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