I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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