i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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