She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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