i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
