ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
