She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
