I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
