Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
