I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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