Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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