the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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