There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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