I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
