True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
we're so committed to being not committed
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
