So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
