It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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