Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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