Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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