The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
