Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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