They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
