OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
